Two Most Important Words In The Parenting Language

Two and A Half Men is a sitcom in which a newly divorced Alan (played by Jon Cryer), along with his 10 year old son, finds himself having to ‘temporarily’ move in with his brother Charlie (played by Charlie Sheen).  In one episode, a while back, Charlie discovers the power of the words “I understand”.  An otherwise hedonistic bachelor, Charlie comes to find that, when he uses those words, and those words alone, woman eagerly throw themselves at him.  His use of that phrase encourages them to open up to him, assuming that he has a gift for understanding their feelings.  (In truth, Charlie, understands very little about woman, but is more than happy to take advantage of their adoration of him.)

Being understood is a basic need that we all have.  We feel most comfortable with the people who seem to understand us and we are more likely to continue opening up to them than to anyone else.  These are the people who refrain from criticizing and advising, but rather listen intently and without judgment.  You know who I am talking about.  Just as we find comfort in those who fit this description, so do our kids.  When we are able to take on this role for them, their trust in us is strengthened.  When they know that our intent is to understand their feelings, rather than advise and dictate what they should and shouldn’t do, then they are more eager to open up to us.

Becoming your child’s trusted confidant is not a difficult task.  Charlie discovered this with the words “I understand”.  Alternatively, parents can use the words “I see”.  Typically, when our children present us with their story of the day, we respond with our opinions, critiques and analyses.
“Why did you…?”  “Why didn’t you…?”  “That’s great!”  “You really shouldn’t…”  “If you hadn’t… then…”   “Oh, no!”

What if we were to take a different approach?  With a genuine intention to understand you child’s feelings, try responding with the words “I see” or “I understand”.  The longer you can refrain from responding with any judgment, the more information they will be willing to give.  Furthermore, as they continue to explore the experience through sharing, they will almost always resolve any issue on their own.  Through recounting their experience, they will be able to see clearly what they could have done differently and what they might still be able to do to change the outcome or results.
So, regardless of your child’s age, I challenge you to try this.  Hold back your opinions.  Use those 2 simple words.  Use them over and over again.

“Mom!  Look at my drawing?”  “I see!”

“Dad- I can’t stand my English teacher!”  “I see.”

“Jesse took my paper!”  “I see.”

With each “I see”, you are making space for your child to tell you more.

“It’s a picture of our house!”  “I see.”

“She always picks on me!”  “Oh, I see.”

“She’s always taking my things when I need them.”  “I understand.”

Continue this technique until your child has shared all that they have to share.  They may ask you for advice.  But, more likely, they just need you to hear them out.

© Gila Brown, 2009
Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 10 years of teaching experience. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive discipline and effective communication. Visit www.GilaBrown.com to sign up for free parenting tips and monthly newsletters.

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